February:

The 'MM Leadership Series' is a summary of the monthly MM meeting where Finnriver managers come together to learn, expand and grow through discussions ranging from leadership skills to overarching company policies. You can find more details in the Crew News basecamp under Docs/Files. 
We are all human and we all have emotions and needs. Those emotions and needs have a sneaky way of showing up at your workplace – surprise, surprise! Instead of trying to squash those emotions or ignore them, studies show that being aware of your own emotions and needs, and those of others, has a dramatic effect on individual success in the workplace. Understanding one’s own emotions can help you think more rationally and make better decisions.

What are some of the ways emotions are expressed in the workplace? Emotions arise out of interactions between managers and crew; between owners and employees, between co-workers, as well as from interactions with the public.
 
NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of being habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on an awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. In any exchange we come to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. Non-Violent Communication is a tool to help us become a more compassionate organization – one that has the awareness of, accounts for, and creates the space for feelings and needs - by doing so, we hope to create a successful and enjoyable workplace.

Four Components of NVC:

1. The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being.
2. How we feel in relation to what we are observing.
3. The needs, values, desires, etc that are creating our feelings.
4. The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives.

Part IV: REQUESTS
What can be done to make life more wonderful? Make a specific, clear request in positive action
language. Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong.

Examples:

● “Please do not shout in this room.” – negative request
● “Please talk in low voice in this room.” - NVC

● “I want you to stop drinking.” – negative request
● “I want you to tell me what needs of yours are met by drinking, and to discuss with me
other ways of meeting those needs.” – NVC

● “I want you to understand me.” – vague action
● “I want you to tell me what you heard me say.” – NVC

● “I’d like you to tell me one thing that I did that you appreciate.” – NVC
● “I would like you to drive in a better way” – vague action

● “I would like you to drive at or below the speed limit.” - NVC
● “I’d like you to feel more confidence in yourself.” – vague action

● “I’d like you to take a course in assertiveness training, which I believe would increase
your self-confidence.” – NVC

● “I’d like you to be honest with me about yesterday’s meeting.” – vague action
● “I want you to tell me how you feel about what I did and what you’d like me to do
differently.” – NVC

Making requests consciously - We are often not conscious of what we are requesting. It may not be clear to the listener what
we want them to do when we simply express our feelings. Request unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs may sound like a demand. The clearer we are on what we want back from the other person, the more likely it is that our needs will be met.

Asking for a reflection

To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back and express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection.
“I’m grateful to you for telling me what you heard. I can see that I didn’t make myself as clear as I’d have liked so let me try again.”

Requests versus demands

Requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. When people hear us make a demand, they see only two options: submission or rebellion. Either way the person requesting is perceived as coercive, and the listener’s capacity to respond compassionately to the request is diminished. The more people hear demands, the less they enjoy being around us.
The most powerful way to communicate that we are making a genuine request is to empathize with people when they don’t respond to the request. If we are prepared to show an empathic understanding of what prevents someone from doing as we asked, then by definition, we have made a request, not a demand.

Is that a request or a demand?
● “I would like you to hang up your clothes when you are finished with them.”
We don’t know yet. What determines the difference between a request and a demand is how we
treat people when they don’t respond to our request.
Observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.
It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges instead of empathizing.
● J - “I am lonely and would like you to spend the evening with me.”
● L - “Jack, I’m really tired.”
● J – “You know how lonely I am feeling. If you really loved me, you’d spend the evening
with me.” – demand (guilt trip)



In order for them to trust that it’s a request, they need to know that they can disagree and be
understood. Anytime somebody does what we ask out of guilt, shame, duty, obligation, or fear of
punishment, we’re going to pay for it. We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating that we would
only want the person to comply if he or she can do so willingly. “Would you be willing to set the table?” rather than “I would like you to set the table.”

The 'MM Leadership Series' is a summary of the monthly MM meeting where Finnriver managers come together to learn, expand and grow through discussions ranging from leadership skills to overarching company policies. You can find more details in the Crew News basecamp under Docs/Files. 
We are all human and we all have emotions and needs. Those emotions and needs have a sneaky way of showing up at your workplace – surprise, surprise! Instead of trying to squash those emotions or ignore them, studies show that being aware of your own emotions and needs, and those of others, has a dramatic effect on individual success in the workplace. Understanding one’s own emotions can help you think more rationally and make better decisions.

What are some of the ways emotions are expressed in the workplace? Emotions arise out of interactions between managers and crew; between owners and employees, between co-workers, as well as from interactions with the public.
 
NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of being habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on an awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. In any exchange we come to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. Non-Violent Communication is a tool to help us become a more compassionate organization – one that has the awareness of, accounts for, and creates the space for feelings and needs - by doing so, we hope to create a successful and enjoyable workplace.

Four Components of NVC:

1. The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being.
2. How we feel in relation to what we are observing.
3. The needs, values, desires, etc that are creating our feelings.
4. The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives.

Part I
PART ONE: OBSERVING WITHOUT EVALUATING
 
Here we will attempt to separate observation from evaluation.
 
WHAT are observations? Observations are what we see or hear. These observations are what stimulates a reaction. Think of observations as a video camera capturing the moment.
 
WHAT is evaluation? Evaluations are our own personal reactions/judgement to what we just observed.
 
Using observations as a way to communicate creates a shared reality with other people. A large group of people can have the same observation – “that balloon is red” but they may all have different evaluations - “that balloon is too bright” or “that balloon looks mean” or “that balloon is beautiful”

Examples
● “John was angry with me yesterday for no reason.” – evaluation
● “John told me he was angry” - observation
● “John pounded his fist on the table” - observation
● “My father is a good man.” – evaluation
● “For the last 25 years my father has given one tenth of his salary to charity.” -observation
● “Janice work too much.” – evaluation
● “Janice spent over 60 hours at the office this week.” - observation

Examples: exaggerations
● “My son often doesn’t brush his teeth.” – evaluation
● “Twice this week my on didn’t brush his teeth before going to bed.” - observation
● “Luke told me I didn’t look good in yellow.” - observation
● “Pam was first in line every day this week.” - observation
 
When we are able to describe what we see or hear in observation language without mixing in evaluation, the person listening to us is more likely to hear us without immediately wanting to react and thus will be more willing to hear our feelings and needs that follow.
 
In this way, observations pave the way towards greater connection with ourselves and with others.

Part II

PART TWO: FEELINGS
 
WHAT is a feeling? A feeling is an emotional state or reaction.
 
WHAT is a thought? A thought is an idea or opinion, assessment and/or interpretation.
 
Our English language has a nifty way of confusing a feeling vs a thought. We often say “I feel that I didn’t get a fair deal.” That is not actually a feeling but a thought!
 
1. Distinguish feelings from thought: 

I feel that you should know better (thought)
I feel frustrated (feeling)
I feel it is useless.(thought)
I feel scared when you say that (feeling)
I feel you don’t love me (thought)
I am sad that you’re leaving (feeling)
I feel you are annoying me on purpose (thought)

2. Distinguish between words that express feelings and those that describe what we think we are: 

I feel inadequate as a guitar player - opinion of my ability
I feel disappointed with myself as a guitar player - feeling

3. Differentiate between words that express feelings and those that describe how we think others are evaluating us:I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work - how I think others are evaluating me

4. Differentiate between words that express feelings and those that describe how we think others are behaving towards us:“I feel misunderstood.” – my opinion about the other person level of understanding.

“I feel ignored.” – again it is an interpretation of the action of others rather than a clear
statement of how we are feeling.
“When you don’t greet me, I feel neglected.” – interpretation
“When you don’t greet me at the door, I feel lonely.” - feeling

5. Practice: First change this judgement to an observation, then identify what feelings this observation brings up. Phrase your sentences as if you are talking to that person.
 
Dan is never on time. He is always late.
Sally speaks much too loud to our customers.
 
NVC distinguishes the expression of actual feelings from words and statements that describe thoughts, opinions, assessments and interpretations. 

Part III

PART THREE: NEEDS

WHAT is a need? A need is a requirement (something) because it is essential or very important.

What others do may be what stimulated a feeling, but it’s not the cause. The cause of the feelings comes from our need. Needs are the ROOT of our feelings. That being said, everyone’s needs are equally valid. We are the sole person responsible for our feelings and the meeting of our needs. No one MAKES you feel a certain way, your feelings are emotional reactions to having a need met or not met. You can choose how to respond to these feelings and the unmet need.

For example, I have a need of security/respect and of community/support and collaboration. I’m not sure if it’s fair to say that this stems from a childhood of being told there is only one way to do something – there is only one right way. So as I grew and moved around, it became apparent that I have a need for respect from my community and an understanding of collaboration – that there are different ways of tackling one idea/issue.

I have observed early on that when someone is late to meet me or late to a meeting, I feel disheartened and discouraged because I need respect (that my time is just as valuable as your time) and I need collaboration – I need this meeting or activity we are meeting up to do to be one of joint excitement/collaboration/partnership.

So looping back to how we can choose to respond to these feelings and the unmet needs:

When someone is late to meeting me, I have 4 ways to receive it:

1. Take it personally by hearing blame or criticism. We blame ourselves. “I’m just grumpy, too uptight, sticking to the rules too closely”
2. I can fault the other – “you are so rude and you don’t care about me at all”
3. I can shine a light on my feelings – sensing our own feelings and needs” – “hmm, I am feeling discouraged because I need respect and support”
4. I can shine the light on the other’s person’s feelings – sensing their feelings and needs. – “there must be a reason/need as to why he is late”

So obviously, the last two options are the NVC ways to go. BY acknowledging your feelings and your needs, taking a minute to figure out what is going on inside you before reacting, we can take a positive step in explaining our feelings and needs. Then we can request (not demand) actions which would help support our needs.

“You have shown up 15 minutes late to the past 4 meetings – when you show up late I feel discouraged and frustrated because I need respect and consistency and collaboration. Would you be willing to leave 10 minutes earlier to ensure you can get to our meeting on time?”

ACTIVITY 1

Let’s practice identifying needs. Circle each statement below that is acknowledging responsibility for their feelings.

1. You irritate me when you leave company documents on the conference room floor.
2. I feel angry when you say that, because I am wanting respect and I hear your words as an insult.
3. I feel frustrated when you come late.
4. I’m sad that you won’t be coming for dinner because I was hoping we could spend the evening together.
5. I feel disappointed because you said you would do it and you didn’t.
6. I’m discouraged because I would have liked to have progressed further in my work by now.
7. Little things people say sometimes hurt me.
8. I feel happy that you received that award.
9. I feel scared when you raise your voice.
10. I am grateful that you offered me a ride because I was needing to get home before my children.

ACTIVITY 2

Let’s practice identifying needs. Turn the sentence into an observation, identify a feeling and need

EXAMPLE: Gertrude is never on time. She is always late. CHANGE TO: Gertrude has arrived 10 minutes late to her shift for the past 5 shifts. When I see this, I feel disappointed and overwhelmed because I need consistency and order.

Frank speaks much too loud to our customers.

I have asked Eloise to fill out the inventory sheet and put in the box and she never does it right.

Robert is so messy. He never cleans up properly and it drives me crazy.



So – I challenge you to take a minute the next time you find yourself feeling frustrated, irritated or unhappy – ask yourself “what do I need in this moment that I do not have” if you are feeling frustrated, impatient when talking to another person, ask yourself “what do I need in this communication that I do not think I am getting?” Observe whether knowing what it is you are needing helps you feel less frustrated or irritated.